To get to where we need to go I’m asking you to step into the more difficult truths. Again, if this all gets too much, please, please take care of yourself. We usually lie to ourselves for a very good reason. And that is OK. Truly. And yet, as much as you safely can, please recognize that we all are holding back from any number of truths. This work takes patience and gentleness. The more we try to force it the harder we fight. The trick is to just stay curious and mindful. Huh. What was that right now? Notice how I quickly swept that thought away? Hmm. What is going on here? I sense there is something more here. Do you see how this works? The very first thing is to not beat yourself up around the lying. We have very good reasons to lie to ourselves — a part of us is trying to protect ourselves from a lot of pain. And going into this deeper truth can be very hard and painful. So why on earth would you do this work? Because it is a path to joy.
Quite often there is a gift in even the hardest thing. Let me give you an example. There was a time in my life when I was so sick that I could barely function. I had just gotten fired and needed to find another job, but I was suddenly so sick all the time that I couldn’t get it together to even interview. It turns out that I had mercury poisoning probably from a botched filling removal (old school dental amalgams are 50% mercury!), but I didn’t know that at the time. All I knew was that my immune system was so compromised that I kept on getting sick over and over. I would get well for a few days and then bam! I was sick all over again. It was very scary. I couldn’t work for two years. I had so little energy and it kept on getting less and less. It was like living on a very small island where the water keeps on rising. Every day I was forced with a choice: stay in my current mental habits and drown or change my habits and step onto land. Despite myself I was forced to a healthier mindset. Anything that required too much mental energy just had to go. It turns out that judgment and future tripping require a surprising amount of energy so I simply stopped doing them — I just didn’t have the energy to spare for it.
Six months later we finally figured out the mercury thing and I started doing the really hard, grinding process of chelation to remove it. Chelation uses a simple chemical to stir up all the mercury sequestered in the body and bring it into the blood system so it can be removed. It basically requires going through mercury poisoning over and over again. But it worked, and on one beautiful day I realized I had a lot of extra energy. So what did I do with this energy? I splurged on lots of judgments of others and future tripping! It felt like overeating desserts, and no longer was as satisfying as it used to be. Something had shifted in me, and I could feel the difference. I was now very aware of the impact of judging others has on me — it is really draining.
This was a huge gift. And there was more; because I could stop judging others I also stopped judging myself so harshly. I accepted that I was scared and felt small. I finally, finally accepted that I was truly not perfect. Not even close. I was very deeply humbled. I felt affinity with the homeless people who also had also been crushed by life. I no longer judged myself superior. These were all such profound gifts. As I started to come back to health I went into a lot of joy. Part of that was simply no longer taking for granted my health. Every day of health was a precious gift. But part of it was that I managed to keep some of that humility and let go some of my pretensions to superiority. Let go the comforting lie that only others have darkness in them, not me. Let go of the illusion that I don’t have any monsters lurking around inside me. Because I absolutely do. We all do. And a good way to find them is to notice how they show up in our body. Let’s go back there next.