When I finally let it, my body guided me to some “dark” truths about myself. For example, it turns out I love to dominate. I secretly love to force my way on people. And how do I know this? Because of how delightful it feels. It showed up in football, and when I let it, it shows up when I have sex. Initially I was so horrified about this that I carefully kept even a hint of this from myself. But it is there alright. In BDSM there is something called “consensual non-consent”. It means that two parties agree to one forcing themselves upon the other. It is important to note that both parties want this and there are some safety precautions like setting up a “safe” word. But the reality is that we are setting up a rape scene. And I am the rapist. It doesn’t get much darker than that. And yet it lights up both of us. There is something electric about this power dynamic. Our bodies are guiding the way.
One of my favorite memories is sitting next to a man at a BDSM “munch” (monthly gathering) and him showing me his corset pictures. We were conspiring to attract one of the female doms that he wanted to do a play session with. I loved the frank honesty of the munch group — they were clear what worked for them sexually and were honest about it. I also loved how gender had absolutely nothing to do whether you liked to dominate or submit. That was very freeing. And when I explored further I found I also love to be dominated. There is a real sexual charge for me there as well. People that equally like to dominate and be dominated are called “switches” in the BDSM community. Native Americans had a gender beyond male or female called two spirited that describes me, except for that weird thing that I’m only really sexually attracted to women. And again it is the body that guides on this.
Another learning was to see how pleasurable anger can be. When I was biking to work sometimes a car would brush within inches of me. Just the slightest twitch of the wheel would either kill or maim me. And the driver was completely unaware. To them I was just so much possible bug splatter. It would enrage me. I am not a bug! Sometimes I would get so crazy angry that I biked after the car in a frothing rage. I would have graphic mental images of picking up my bike and repeatedly smashing it into the car over and over. Fortunately cars are much faster than bikes so even if I eventually did catch up with the car, I wasn’t fit to do anything other than gasp for air and the rage would pass. But something I noticed about this rage? It felt really deliciously good. I suspect that this happens at some political rallies — it feels really good to get angry. I imagine people even get addicted to this feeling.
Fear is another supposedly negative emotion, and yet many people love to get scared by a horror movie, or pay lots of money to go on a scary amusement park ride. I don’t personally enjoy fear the way I do anger, but it also is a valued emotion. Every time I jump off a cliff with my paraglider I am terrified. Ah! I’m way up in the air! It scares the crap out of me. And yet I find myself still wanting to do it. Why? Because there is something so amazing about pushing past my earth bound limits. There is nothing quite like flying. Fear is there to remind me of how dangerous it all is. To not take anything for granted, and pay close attention to safety. And that fear helps me in times of crisis when I’ve jumped into air that I should not have. It helps me really hone in on what I have to do to survive. And dancing with my fear awakens me to my power. I am at my most powerful when I’ve felt the fear and did it anyways.
We all have warriors within us. I struggle to welcome mine. But what if I just let go of that and see what wants to happen next? Time to go back to organicity.