“People will only protect what they love.” Jacques Cousteau
When I found out my beloved partner was maybe falling in love with another man I went through wild, manic swings. One moment I was pouring all my heart and soul into figuring out a way to fix it. Then I would get so angry I would clench my fists and shout. Then I got so sad that I couldn’t sleep. I went so many nights without sleep that when I shut my eyes I had vivid hallucinations. I’ve aways thought “heart breaking” was a poetic term. Nope, turns out it is a very real, physical thing. Where my love for her used to be was now a million scattered pieces of heart. Maybe I don’t love her anymore I told myself. Then I really let myself explore leaving her, and the pain got so great I didn’t know if I could bear it. We had created such a great life together, and created so many great memories. Sure I could probably find someone else, but I really don’t want to. To make it even more crazy making she was walking the El Camino in Spain for 8 weeks while this all blew up so we were physically distant. I sent her an angry email and was quite surprised that that didn’t immediately have her come running to me. Instead she told me she needed to process and pulled back from communicating with me except for brief superficial texts.
I waited day after day for her to come back to connection with me. And each day I got more and more desperate. So I really pulled back my heart. Of course I did. This hurt too much. But one day it suddenly hit me — I made a sacred vow to love everyone, no kidding no exceptions. I was so not honoring that vow. But man this was hard. The perfect cosmic synchronicity that I just so happen to be writing about loving the hard things at the exact moment I am so angry at someone blows my mind. So I reread some of my articles here to remind me of who I am when I’m in my higher place. Huh. Not such bad advice, maybe I should follow it. Finally I surrendered to how deeply I love her. I love her with all my heart. I love her beyond beyond. She was my soulmate, the one I was going to die with. And I really stepped into the pain of losing that security that I was her one and only. That opened up a rush of energy and love. Turns out that choosing to hold back my love was even more painful than that initial hurt. Choosing love just feels so much better. I chose love not because it is the right thing to do (although it is), and not because it is what the world needs (although it does). Honestly? I chose love because it is the selfish path to joy for myself. When I don’t chose love I step into pain. Choosing love steps me into that bigger place in myself that feels amazing.
But still night after night I would obsess about what she should have done differently over and over. The first week it was kind of a juicy discussion. My internal audience was right there shouting Yea! Shame on her! But after a while it got boring even to me. But it kept on going on and on. Every night that she didn’t reach out to do a video chat I felt like I was going to die. I would wake up in a panic and fight myself (sometimes successfully sometimes not) to not send out a desperate text to her. Until one night I went to bed obsessing yet again about her, and in the middle of the night I startled awake with that same desperate need for her to reach out to me, but this time a little cloud creature appeared over my belly in a kind of waking dream. That little guy reassured me that I was not going to die. Everything was going to be OK. And I went into bliss. Getting out of all that pain and into bliss felt so good I actually was moaning the rest of the night. I think there was a little child really scared that if their parents were not there for them they were going to die. This goes all the way back to that time when my mom was too busy with three kids 1 and under to really have time for me. And as long as I kept my focus on that little creature all was bliss. But as soon as I went back to obsessing about her the bliss started to fade away. That little creature wasn’t going to prevent me from obsessing about her if that is what I really wanted, but it gently kept on reminding me that my bliss was back with me.
So that has been my challenge. Instead of continuing to demand something from someone who just is not able to give it, to instead bring the focus back on me. But man that is hard! I told a wise friend this story and she suggested that I get a plushie to hold and remind me where my source was. Hmm. Great idea. I turned to my daughter for advice on plushies — she is all about plushies. She happily took me to Target and helped me find the perfect one. It was so sweet to get her support on this. It turns out my spirit animal is a very cute turtle. At first I resisted it — turtles with their hard shells seemed a terrible spirit animal to support relationships. But then I realized how perfect it is. I tend to only let a select few in, but with those I let in I don’t set nice clear boundaries. But the turtle is strong and secure in itself. It doesn’t need to look anywhere else than itself for its safeness and strength. And because of that security it is possible for the turtle to stretch out into a really healthy vulnerability. The turtle knows where its source is.
Last night I was again obsessing about what I want from her. But now my practice is to hear and honor her “no”. She can only offer what she can freely offer. Why would I want to force her into anything more? And I also can only offer what I can offer. It is perfectly ok for me at times to say “no”. Why would I want to force something on to myself? In fact almost always my saying “no” is way, way harder than hearing the other’s “no”. I caretake, and try to please. I try to earn love by doing selfless acts of service that are very hard. That can be quite lovely, but quite often I go to a point where I sacrifice and diminish myself. That is not serving me, or the other actually because it no longer is an act of love but desperation. It becomes a kind of bribe. A kind of transaction with the exchange rate running way against me. I value the worth of my love so little that at times I am willing to trade enormous acts of service for even the tiniest amount of love.
But my turtle spirit keeps on reminding me to come back to myself. Reminds me that my source is right here, beating in my chest. So what does this have to do with Red and Love? Embracing the warrior’s path. Individuation. Finding that core within and never letting go of it. Especially never letting go of it when dealing with others. Red is by far my weakest stage, and I’m coming to these realizations fairly late in life. But I think this is the way. Not just for me, and not just for doing relationships, but for doing all of life. My strength is not coming from out there. It is from within. Getting validations from others is wonderful, but at the end of the day my source is within. Love that fierce fighting spirit. Love that ferocious ability to defend. I am strong enough to do this. I am strong enough to do anything.