Red is definitely, by far, my weakest stage. I’m still trying to figure out what works best for me to strengthen this. I would very much appreciate suggestions on what to add here. What has worked for you?
That said, I do know some things to strengthen Red.
Even to this day sometimes when I come up to the edge of a cliff, I pull back because I have this weird fear that I will impulsively jump off. What was the best way to deal with this fear of heights? Paragliding. There is something about pulling up a paraglider off the ground, turning around and running off a cliff that is amazing. Every time I do it I’m terrified and yet I love soaring free in the air. And the sense of mastery and adventure! I tend to think of warriors as doing the grim difficult thing. And that is definitely a part of it, but oh the joy! The sense of stepping beyond your bounds. The wonder of doing something scary and dangerous but surviving anyways.
I love to wrestle. I loved wrestling my freshman year in high school. I sometimes go to wrestle parties where I get together with other adults to wrestle with each other. We have two mats. One is the “deep end” of the pool where people can go all out if they want, and the other is the “shallow end” where people are very gentle and playful. It’s great. I particularly like one time a woman came dressed up in a pro wrestler uniform and really let her anger out. The facilitator did a really good job of taking us through that. For many people it is terrifying to see naked, raw anger expressed like that, so the facilitator first made sure that anyone who wasn’t ready to see anger to step away for a bit. Once that was cleared the woman knew it was safe to really vent all the incredible and anger she was feeling. And it was a full body thing — she got to take all that anger and really throw her whole body at a man who could simply receive it. What a beautiful way to do healing.
In my Hakomi cohort there was a man who had studied Aikido his whole life. I will never forget what he told me about what this path had taught him. He said that when some throws a punch at you they are trying to narrow down your options. Avoid the punch? Punch back? No matter what you are now in response to what they are doing. But a master of Aikido doesn’t have to fall into reactivity. They don’t have to get mad or scared or have some other kind of big reaction. Instead they can notice that intense energy being sent their way, and simply make a small adjustment to deflect it. The key thing they stay centered and at choice in every moment regardless of what is coming at them. I’m starting pretty late in life on this, but I commit to learning this.
I’m not talking dungeons with whips and chains here. That is not what drew me to BDSM. Although if you find a curiosity in yourself about that scene I encourage you to explore it. What I love about the BDSM community is that it cuts through all the bullshit expectations of what is socially acceptable or even normal, and gets straight to the truth of what is alive in us sexually. What turns us on for real. For me I’ve found that there is a real primal charge in domination and submission. That sexual polarity can be so yummy (as long as both partners are in agreement of course). I’ve noticed that my relationships that did not welcome and celebrate that polarity there was no sexual charge. With my ex there was a brief moment where our sexual charge was really hot. The difference? For that brief time we were allowing that polarity. As soon as that polarity went away our sexual charge went as well. By the way, please note when I say “polarity” there are zero gender expectations. What I love about BDSM, at least Bay area BDSM, is that gender norms and expectations go out the window. It doesn’t matter if you present as male, you are allowed to wear corsets and want to be dominated by a Dominatrix. In fact by BDSM standards that is pretty vanilla.
So what does this all have to do with Red? Because what we are exploring is the master/slave role. Historically slavery has been such a horrible thing that we quite rightly recoil in horror when we recognize that something about being either the master or slave sparks joy in us. But it does. There is a reason why Red is so persistent and dominant in the world. I needed to stop resisting what I felt like a monster within, and instead accept how much sexual charge there is for me here. And dare I say it there is a real juiciness for some people in the slave role. I found this account by a submissive as really eye opening:
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires
She writes in such an intelligent and thoughtful manner about what it is like for her to fully embrace her submissive desires. It let me see that for some woman my desire to dominate can actually be a gift. This so called monster inside of me, if channeled in the right direction, can be a gift. My current partner loves when I dominate her, and frankly wishes I did it more. It is not her holding us back but me.