There sometimes is tremendous temptation to help people along by getting a little tough with them for their own good. Maybe hold them accountable for what they said they would do but didn’t. Maybe point them in the direction they need to go and push them a little. Some personal growth workshops take this approach and for a brief time people will have remarkable results. But the results don’t last. This is not the path to healing. Not really. And sometimes when we push too hard we hurt people. I had a good friend badly wounded by the Landmark Forum. They pushed her so hard she had a nervous breakdown.
People are ready to do their work when they are ready for it. It does not help to push them along, in fact it often make things worse. Certainly it is important to help guide people, but we must always respect and honor their internal knowing. They know what is best for themselves at any given moment. They are the ones doing the healing, not us. We merely are helping them find their way. We must meet people where they are, and invite (not push) them forward toward what they truly want for their lives. It has to come from within. Unfortunately this is not yet universally recognized in the world of healers. There are groups that still think that at times you need to really challenge people. I understand that temptation because sometimes I feel it strongly myself. But it is ultimately a false path. True change has to come from within. We can not force it.
And there has to be trust. All parts of us need to know that it is safe. A Hakomi practitioner works skillfully with the many parts of us. The initial sessions quite often are about letting the client realize how truly safe they are. And that lets the process go to the very deep places where quite often we find the need to have a conversation between our hurt child and our adult. The therapist facilitates this conversation – it is oddly kind of like couples therapy. Both parts need to hear from the other and be reassured that they are loved. Both need to learn how to better listen to the other. And there are more parts in us than just the child and the adult. Coaxing them out into the open is exquisite, delicate work and even the slightest hint of forcing can shut the whole process down.
Purple reminds us how much we need each other. For the longest time I would describe this black hole inside me that threatened to try and suck in everything if I let it. Until one time I was doing a naked HAI share talking about my black hole and suddenly I realized this “black hole” was just a hurt, needy little boy that wanted to be held and comforted. I had this whole story about how he was asking for way too much, but all he desperately wanted was to be loved. That is not too much. It is ok to need love and affection. It is truly ok for that little boy to be needy. My job is to just hold and love him. I find for myself two different kinds of self love. One is loving myself when I am by myself. Introverts know how to do this. The other is loving myself when I am with others. Extraverts know how to do this. I think this is true for everyone. We need to learn both to love ourselves when we are alone and when we are with others. Everyone can learn to be both an introvert and an extravert — they are not exclusive.
It is in group that we can see ourself reflected back by all those mirrors of others. We see ourself in others, we see how others see us. And others can see clearly where we are stuck even if we can’t. A wise group knows not to push, but when we are finally ready to step into that fuller truth the group is there to support us and cheer us on. We find our deeper truths when we are in group. Let’s go back to Truth but as a Purple group now.