There is a lot of truly great writing about mindfulness. For example, Mark Manson has an excellent articlehere. I also love what he has to say about meditation which is a practical tool to help us cultivate mindfulness. In his vivid way he describes all the amazing benefits both health-wise and mental of meditation. But we tend to think of meditation as the only way to cultivate mindfulness. It is not. Meditation is not the answer to all our problems. Don’t get me wrong – I love meditation. I meditate daily in front of my beloved altar and it has helped me a lot. And recently it is the only thing that helped when I was in a relationship crisis. So I know how powerful it is. But I have seen too many people take up meditation as The One True Way, and not realizing it is not the answer all by itself. It needs to be combined with other ways.
Hakomi’s way is to simply bring more awareness to what is going on. Clients are constantly coached to pay attention to the moment. To really notice what is going on with their bodies and to just get curious. To recognize our internal voice that is always talking and to realize it is just one voice telling a story that is not necessarily true. The therapist acts as a support to help lean into the things that are hurting. The therapist first checks to see if it is OK to proceed (non-violence principle) and then maybe asks the client to breathe into the pain. Asks in different ways to get curious about whatever is happening in the moment (truth principle). And just like yoga starts off awkward and stumbling but eventually becomes much more smooth, if you do this kind of inquiry enough you start to develop the habit of mindfulness. You start to notice what is happening even without the therapist directing you.
Buddhists refer to this process as RAIN. I particularly like Tara Brach’s version of it. If you have not read any of her books please do – she is one of our most important leaders. Tara teaches RAIN as – Recognize, Allow, Integrate, Nurture/Non-identify.
First we have to simply recognize what is going on with ourselves. What are we feeling in our body? What tensions are we holding and where? What thoughts are slipping in almost unnoticed? What are we resisting feeling right this moment?
Then we work on fully allow what is happening right now. Instead of running away from all that overwhelming anger, shame, and hurt we instead step into it. Knowing that as hard as it is we can bear it. We don’t have to hide from it – that hiding and resisting actually isn’t helping us. We try to make this bargain that if we push off the pain it can’t get to us, but we spend so much energy on that, that it makes it even worse. In the end the only way is to go through the pain. To let ourselves feel all of it. Ouch. Truly ouch. Breathe and accept it all and after the initial shock we might find that we come to a sort of peace with it. Sometimes this is too hard to do alone so we use a therapist or Medicine to help.
Now that we have stopped fighting the pain, we can start to get curious. What is going on here? Where is this all coming from? Does it have to be like this? Surprisingly, quite often the answer is no – we are caught up in a story that is not true. It is kind of like a trance that we can snap out of if we choose to.
And now we have the space to nurture that within us that needs nurturing. The poor hurt child that needed that support and love but didn’t get it. That part of us that was not allowed to be. A wise Hakomi therapist looks for the missing experience that is longed for. Maybe simply to be hugged. Maybe simply to be told we are lovable and beautiful just the way we are. And then hopefully we can start to let go. We realize that it was just a story, it is not really me. I am not my suffering. Yes my wounds will always be with me, but I don’t have to hold on to them so tightly. There is space here for something more.
Hakomi never explicitly refers to RAIN but it is almost eery how similar it is. The one key difference, though, is that Hakomi constantly brings us back to our body. Some meditation practices have people ignore their body. That might make sense for a dedicated spiritual journey, but it does not work for healing. Healing work centers around the body. Let’s go to that next.