These principles are a foundation we can build on. They can be our North star to help guide us when we get lost. They work together. All of them are necessary. If a Hakomi session didn’t go well, students are taught to look to the principles to see what was missing. This brings us back to systems thinking. Asking “why?” to go deeper and deeper so that we can embrace all parts of the system.
Hakomi started with five founding principles. Loving Presence was added here. Truth and Change were added here (scroll down). This brings us to eight principles which seems like the magic number to me.
“Get curious about that”, is a standard Hakomi invitation. Hakomi helps clients find their way to their core truth; their core story. This truth is usually too hard or scary to get to all on our own so we need help. And that is the place where healing can happen. We have to get to the deeper truth of things before we can make a change. We have to know our story before we can change it. Trying to play it safe and stay at the surface does not really work.
We should always be on a quest for the deeper truth. Sometimes we need help getting there, sometimes we can get there on our own, but there is always a deeper truth remaining to be found.
“I welcome that strong protector – it has kept you safe”. Hakomi doesn’t shame people for their defenses instead it celebrates what good work that defense has done for them.
As I mentioned earlier, getting to our core truth is delicate sensitive work and the slightest hint of judgment can stop the process in an instant. We all originally had very good reasons for our defenses. Healing comes from within. We are ready to change our core story only when we are ready. It does not help to push – it actually makes it worse.
Beyond that we have to come to terms with the harsh inner critic that we all have. We need to renounce this violence against ourselves. Maybe the most important thing is to learn to deeply love ourselves. That all by itself can help so much.
“Check inside and see what is going on for you”. This is the classic invitation to mindfulness. This is the first step towards the truth. What is actually going on for me at the moment? Not what I think should be happening or what is appropriate but what is actually going on.
For example: “My partner is having this wonderful connection with their friend, … and I’m feeling jealous. Maybe I shouldn’t be but there it is” or “Wow. I don’t know why but I’m feeling sad in this moment. Huh. When I stop resisting it the sadness gets that much stronger” or “Wow! I’m feeling so aware of all the people at this concert – they are so interesting and amazing!”
“Where do you feel it in your body?” This is the classic Hakomi question. I’ve asked my partner this question so many times it now has become a joke between us, and it is on the list of questions I never get to ask her again. But healing starts when we connect back to our body. Hakomi sessions get people to notice what is happening in our bodies. Where are you feeling this sadness? Your heart? There is a pain there? It feels like a hand gripping too hard? OK, as much as you are able to please let yourself really feel that gripping hand. And then we deepen into that without knowing where it is going to lead us, just trusting that the body knows.
We express this trust by simply asking “I wonder what wants to happen next”. The therapist is not doing the work, we are the mid-wife who is assisting the process. We try to add safety and maybe a little comfort into the what is wanting to happen naturally. We as organisms are always striving towards health – Always. We might be blocked but there is that within us that always is reaching towards health. We learn to trust that process.
The word “organicity” is admittedly a bit awkward, but this surrender to the process that naturally wants to happen is a new concept for most of us and it does require a new word.
“I’m feeling a lot of sadness. Is there sadness here for you?” Quite often when I am working with a client, a strong, unexpected emotion might well up in me. If the feeling persists I check in with my client to see if they are in fact feeling, for example, sad. And quite often, yep, they are. We form a deep union with each other that goes way beyond simply the conscious parts of our minds. Therapists can use this to help intuit what is going on with their client to better work with them.
And there is a deeper, spiritual level to Unity. I believe that everything is God (or the Universe if you prefer) and God (or the Universe) is Love. This is the core teaching of Center for Spiritual Living (CSL). And this is just another way of stating the Unity principle. We are all one. It is only illusion that we are not.
“It sounds like there are two parts here. One that wants to change and one that is scared”. Sometimes it is so scary to let go of our misery and pain. At least we can know what to expect. What happens if we let go of this certainty? Will we even survive? How can we know? We can’t be absolutely certain, so we hold on tightly even though it hurts so much. Adults rarely change and if they do it is only because tremendous pain pushed them to that ultimate surrender. Like an alcoholic that has to hit rock bottom before they can rise again or perhaps die. Healing is not possible until we stop resisting change.
Buddhists teach that change is inevitable. We will all die. Everyone we know and love will die. Many of our loved ones will die before we do. And those that are left get to grieve our death. This hurts. There is no avoiding this pain and yet we try. Try to hold on to the illusion that nothing changes if only we are careful enough. Try to hold off the pain instead of accepting it all the way in. Resisting this brings tremendous, unnecessary suffering.
But change is not all grim talks of death and suffering. It is also the heart of creativity. We are creative beings and if we stifle the urge to create it deadens us. The times I have felt most alive is when I am creating something. I especially find joy when I am co-creating something with others.
Love is the base. Everything has to be built on top of this. In Hakomi we were taught to build a loving “bubble” between ourselves and our client. In HAI it comes from the deep love from the facilitators and the team. They are all there because they are deeply committed to love and together they create the same “bubble” but for an entire room. The very first thing the facilitators do is to model loving, tender connection with each other. So people can experience what it looks like.
We explicitly encourage people to be loving both towards themselves and towards others. We model loving people no matter what comes up for them. No one is made wrong. Facilitators (and hopefully team) model always speaking from their heart. Simply declaring from the heart that this is the Room of Love opens it up as a possibility.